9 Reasons Why Chuck Norris Shouldn’t Work In Marketing

Logo's wait in line to be made bigger by Chuck Norris
Logo's wait in line to be made bigger by Chuck Norris

Ok, for some light relief on a Friday, we’re rehashing the classic Chuck Norris Facts to see what would happen if Chuck Norris decided to become a marketing expert and critique your favorite landing page.

Advance warning, this won’t be pretty, but with a bit of luck it should make you laugh.

Chuck Norris Marketing Facts

Here are the top 9 reasons why Mr. Norris should never be allowed near a whiteboard:


  1. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a call to action. Action needs a call to Chuck.

  1. PPC no longer stands for Pay-Per-Click. It stands for Pay-Per-Chuck. And in order to see the next page you have to Roundhouse Click on the ad.


  1. The conversion rate on ChuckNorris.com is whatever Chuck says it is. And as a general rule, it beats the industry average by infinity.

  1. Chuck Norris generates leads by pointing at people.
    If he points at you twice, you lose the right to unsubscribe and your first newborn will be named “eBook” by default.

  1. When UFC president Dana White asked Chuck Norris to design a landing page for his latest Pay-Per-View campaign; Chuck took out a crayon, artfully sketched a roundhouse kick on the octagon canvas and caught Dana in a Rear Naked Choke… from the front… fully clothed. #TrueStory

  1. Chuck Norris purposely re-designed a landing page for Vin Diesel and gave it a bounce rate of 200%.

  1. At a spelling bee in 1947, a young Chuck Norris was asked to spell “optimization”. When the competition judge awoke from his Chuck-induced coma on April 21, 1993, he was swiftly roundhouse kicked in the face by Walker, Texas Ranger… Coincidence? I think not.

  1. When Chuck Norris visits your landing page, Google Analytics automatically emails you a letter of apology (cc’ing Chuck) to explain why the traffic spike has broken your account, forever.

  1. When Chuck Norris says a form field is required, he @**#&#! means it.
    You’ll know when it’s required by the giant fist icon, Chuck has no respect for asterisks.

One final note…

If you don’t re-tweet this post, Chuck Norris will kick your a**

Oli Gardner (and Chuck Norris)

The Unbounce Challenge

What else would Chuck Norris do as a marketing expert?

The correct answer is “whatever he wants”. However, if you’ve got some time to kill on a Friday, send us your Chuck Norris marketing facts and we’ll put the best ones in a new list. If Chuck says it’s ok.

About Oli Gardner
Co-Founder of Unbounce. Oli has seen more landing pages than anyone on the planet. He is an opinionated writer and international speaker on Conversion Centered Design.You should follow Oli on Twitter
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Comments:

  1. Helen

    hahaha….. LOVE it! :)

    Reply
  2. Jean Thibaudeau

    Hi,
    I saw your post after having written this one about Chuck Norris in a web context.
    http://www.adviso.ca/blog/2009/10/30/chuck/

    Reply
  3. video search optimization

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  5. Bibiana Nunes

    Chuck Norris doesn't pay-per-click, he makes YOU pay-per-Click

    Reply
  6. oligardner

    Haha, nice one Bibiana.

    Reply
  7. seriocomic

    Great stuff – i’ve been following ‘Chuck’ on twitter for a while – lots of mirth – http://twitter.com/ChuckNorriz

    Reply
  8. Acceso universidad mayores 25 años

    @seroicomic very funny!!!! great “chuckinspirating” ^_*

    Reply
  9. Carretillero

    #8 Chuck Norris purposely re-designed a landing page for Vin Diesel and gave it a bounce rate of 200%.

    It’s the best!!!! Love Vin Diesel!!!!

    Reply
  10. Master energias renovables

    “The conversion rate on ChuckNorris.com is whatever Chuck says it is”, Chuck is God remember it!

    Reply
  11. azafata de vuleo

    Chuck Norris generates leads by pointing at people.

    I love to work with Chuk!!

    Reply
  12. Jennifer

    Our firm’s owner is a Chuck Norris look-alike, (I swear it’s true) has 30+ years in martial arts (in other words, he’s got his own mean round-house), and indeed he’s also been in web marketing for years.

    He’s going to love this post.

    To see for yourself, check out our ppl page http://www.2disc.com/our_team.php

    Reply
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  14. Brad

    Is there anything Chuck Norris can not do? Haha

    Love point 5!

    Reply
  15. Michael Kjeldsen

    Haha, great!

    #1 and #3 are definitely my favourites :-)

    @Brad
    No, and from now on you’re in his BBoC (Black Book of Chuck)

    Reply
  16. Jimi Hove

    Chuck is Gods own algorithm ! We are all spam in his eyes.

    Reply
  17. david

    :) – and retweeted. don’t want to get in trouble

    Reply
  18. Sebastian Gullak

    Chuck Norris doesn’t need Re-Marketing. Chuck Norris knows you will come back for more anyway!

    Reply
  19. Energias Renovables

    estoy leyendo varios de tus articulos, y me parecen muy buenos, felicidades por tu sitio :)

    Reply
  20. J Hook

    This post (and the comments) has me in stitches :)

    Reply
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  22. TechMD

    LOL I nearly busted my gut reading this!

    Reply
  23. Louis-Philippe Dea

    Chuck Norris is a Guerilla Marketer, no doubt about it!

    Reply
  24. intoto - Online Markedsføring

    Chuck Norris don’t do any Online Marketing.
    Why should he? He is known by MORE than 7 billion people.

    Reply
  25. web

    Great! Chuck is God…If Chuck want to be it

    Reply
Comments