9 Reasons Why Chuck Norris Shouldn’t Work In Marketing

Logo's wait in line to be made bigger by Chuck Norris

Ok, for some light relief on a Friday, we’re rehashing the classic Chuck Norris Facts to see what would happen if Chuck Norris decided to become a marketing expert and critique your favorite landing page.

Advance warning, this won’t be pretty, but with a bit of luck it should make you laugh.

Chuck Norris Marketing Facts

Here are the top 9 reasons why Mr. Norris should never be allowed near a whiteboard:

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a call to action. Action needs a call to Chuck.

2. Chuck Norris doesn’t click on banner ads – banner ads beg Chuck Norris for permission to be clicked.

3. The conversion rate on ChuckNorris.com is whatever Chuck says it is. And as a general rule, it beats the industry average by infinity.

4. When Dana White asked Chuck Norris to design a landing page for his latest Pay-Per-View campaign; Chuck took out a crayon, artfully sketched a roundhouse kick on the octagon canvas and caught the UFC president in a Rear Naked Choke… from the front… fully clothed. (True story)

5. Chuck Norris generates leads by pointing at people.
   If he points at you twice, you lose the right to unsubscribe and your first newborn will be named “eBook” by default.

6. Chuck Norris purposely re-designed a landing page for Vin Diesel and gave it a bounce rate of 200%.

7. At a spelling bee in 1947, a young Chuck Norris was asked to spell “optimization”. When the competition judge awoke from his Chuck-induced coma on April 21, 1993, he was swiftly roundhouse kicked in the face by Walker, Texas Ranger… Coincidence? I think not.

8. If Chuck Norris visited your landing page, your server would crash from the ferocity of being hit so mightily hard. Google Analytics would report an earthquake eleventeen times bigger than the Richter Scale can even measure, and the internet would forever live in fear of Chuck Norris pressing the refresh key.

   Chuck is not the answer to your traffic problems…
   Chuck is your traffic problem.

9. When Chuck Norris says a form field is required, he @**#&#! means it.
   You’ll know when it’s required by the giant fist icon, Chuck has no respect for asterisks.

One final note…

If you don’t re-tweet this post, Chuck Norris will kick your a**

– Oli Gardner (and Chuck Norris)

Related posts:

1. The 4 Truths of Conversion Marketing
2. The Conversion Marketing Scorecard
3. Marketing Funnel Overflow – How To Align Your Campaign Strategy
4. 13 Epic Marketing Fails
5. Marketing FAIL – 7 Newbie Landing Page Mistakes

Tags: Chuck Norris, conversion rate, Funny, landing pages