9 Reasons Why Chuck Norris Shouldn’t Work In Marketing

Logo's wait in line to be made bigger by Chuck Norris
Logo's wait in line to be made bigger by Chuck Norris

Ok, for some light relief on a Friday, we’re rehashing the classic Chuck Norris Facts to see what would happen if Chuck Norris decided to become a marketing expert and critique your favorite landing page.

Advance warning, this won’t be pretty, but with a bit of luck it should make you laugh.

Chuck Norris Marketing Facts

Here are the top 9 reasons why Mr. Norris should never be allowed near a whiteboard:

  1. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a call to action. Action needs a call to Chuck.

  1. PPC no longer stands for Pay-Per-Click. It stands for Pay-Per-Chuck. And in order to see the next page you have to Roundhouse Click on the ad.

  1. The conversion rate on ChuckNorris.com is whatever Chuck says it is. And as a general rule, it beats the industry average by infinity.

  1. Chuck Norris generates leads by pointing at people.
    If he points at you twice, you lose the right to unsubscribe and your first newborn will be named “eBook” by default.

  1. When UFC president Dana White asked Chuck Norris to design a landing page for his latest Pay-Per-View campaign; Chuck took out a crayon, artfully sketched a roundhouse kick on the octagon canvas and caught Dana in a Rear Naked Choke… from the front… fully clothed. #TrueStory

  1. Chuck Norris purposely re-designed a landing page for Vin Diesel and gave it a bounce rate of 200%.

  1. At a spelling bee in 1947, a young Chuck Norris was asked to spell “optimization”. When the competition judge awoke from his Chuck-induced coma on April 21, 1993, he was swiftly roundhouse kicked in the face by Walker, Texas Ranger… Coincidence? I think not.

  1. When Chuck Norris visits your landing page, Google Analytics automatically emails you a letter of apology (cc’ing Chuck) to explain why the traffic spike has broken your account, forever.

  1. When Chuck Norris says a form field is required, he @**#&#! means it.
    You’ll know when it’s required by the giant fist icon, Chuck has no respect for asterisks.

One final note…

If you don’t re-tweet this post, Chuck Norris will kick your a**

Oli Gardner (and Chuck Norris)

The Unbounce Challenge

What else would Chuck Norris do as a marketing expert?

The correct answer is “whatever he wants”. However, if you’ve got some time to kill on a Friday, send us your Chuck Norris marketing facts and we’ll put the best ones in a new list. If Chuck says it’s ok.

default author image
About Oli Gardner
Unbounce co-founder Oli Gardner has seen more landing pages than anyone on the planet. He’s obsessed with identifying and reversing bad marketing practices, and his disdain for marketers who send campaign traffic to their homepage is legendary, resulting in landing page rants that can peel paint off an unpainted wall. A prolific international keynote speaker, Oli is on a mission to rid the world of marketing mediocrity by using data-informed copywriting, design, interaction, and psychology to create a more delightful experience for marketers and customers alike. He was recently named the "The 2018 Marketer to Watch," in the under 46 category, by his mother.
» More blog posts by Oli Gardner