Funny

8 Marketing Posts to Fill Your Prescription with Funny Pills

Friday’s should be 50% work, 20% fun and 30% chuckle pills…

With that in mind, here are some blogs and blog posts, old and new, that will hopefully make you laugh while you slurp back a cold beer. P.s. I’m pretty sure Anna Sawyer from Trada could just do regular funny videos to make my job much easier…

Eight totally unethically prescribed ways to make you pee your pants at work

1. 9 Reasons Why Chuck Norris Shouldn’t Work In Marketing: A marketers look at the most baddass man alive. I have to call him that or he’ll roundhouse kick me in the face.
2. The Funniest Marketing Fails Of All Time (PHOTOS): Forget the nasty design and tiny text – just look at the photos :)
3. The Sofa King (It’s worth it): Just a single photo, but it deserves it’s place in the sun.
4. 50 Things Every Marketer Should Do Before They Die: Better get started if you’re gonna do all of these before you croak.
5. 10 Best Funny Marketing Screw Ups: Funny examples of how big brands can screw themselves by not understanding the different cultures in foreign countries.
6. 13 Epic Marketing Fails: Examples of how marketing shouldn’t be done.
7. 16 Ways to Pick up a Marketing Nerd: This simple guide of guaranteed pick-up lines will be your ideal wingman (or get you slapped).
8. More Conversions Than a Kool-Aid Cult: Using Mind Control to Boost Your Lead Gen Conversion Rate!: As I mentioned, everyone just needs more Anna!

If you found this funny, tell us what made you laugh in the comments. Or share your own funny marketing links.

– Oli Gardner

9 Reasons Why Chuck Norris Shouldn’t Work In Marketing

Logo's wait in line to be made bigger by Chuck Norris

Ok, for some light relief on a Friday, we’re rehashing the classic Chuck Norris Facts to see what would happen if Chuck Norris decided to become a marketing expert and critique your favorite landing page.

Advance warning, this won’t be pretty, but with a bit of luck it should make you laugh.

Chuck Norris Marketing Facts

Here are the top 9 reasons why Mr. Norris should never be allowed near a whiteboard:

1. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a call to action. Action needs a call to Chuck.

2. PPC no longer stands for Pay-Per-Click. It stands for Pay-Per-Chuck. And in order to see the next page you have to Roundhouse Click on the ad.

3. The conversion rate on ChuckNorris.com is whatever Chuck says it is. And as a general rule, it beats the industry average by infinity.

4. Chuck Norris generates leads by pointing at people.
   If he points at you twice, you lose the right to unsubscribe and your first newborn will be named “eBook” by default.

5. When UFC president Dana White asked Chuck Norris to design a landing page for his latest Pay-Per-View campaign; Chuck took out a crayon, artfully sketched a roundhouse kick on the octagon canvas and caught Dana in a Rear Naked Choke… from the front… fully clothed. #TrueStory

6. Chuck Norris purposely re-designed a landing page for Vin Diesel and gave it a bounce rate of 200%.

7. At a spelling bee in 1947, a young Chuck Norris was asked to spell “optimization”. When the competition judge awoke from his Chuck-induced coma on April 21, 1993, he was swiftly roundhouse kicked in the face by Walker, Texas Ranger… Coincidence? I think not.

8. When Chuck Norris visits your landing page, Google Analytics automatically emails you a letter of apology (cc’ing Chuck) to explain why the traffic spike has broken your account, forever.

9. When Chuck Norris says a form field is required, he @**#&#! means it.
   You’ll know when it’s required by the giant fist icon, Chuck has no respect for asterisks.

One final note…

If you don’t re-tweet this post, Chuck Norris will kick your a**

– Oli Gardner (and Chuck Norris)

The Social Media Bucket List: 50 Things to do Before You Die

If you can do all of these, you’re officially Oli’s hero. Add up how many you’ve done and share in the comments. Whoever has the highest score gets a free hug!

And just so you know, this is intended to be quite ridiculous (with some useful insight added in here and there).

1. Find someone who still uses MySpace…. Then slap them.
2. Fill out your Facebook timeline with meaningful events – instead of the usual inane drivel you harp on about.
3. Purposely set up an auto-follow on your Twitter account. The next day, your feed will naturally be filled full of nonsense – use this to inspire a ridiculous blog post.
4. Figure out how to really use Google+. Then, actually use it. But don’t get too attached – after all, you’ve got better things to be doing before you croak it.
5. Host a Google+ hangout – but don’t invite anyone – just talk to yourself for an hour.
6. If you can’t figure out what a Google+ hangout is for (probably true after the last idea), get someone else from your field to co-host one with you. Then if you don’t get anyone showing up you’ll at least have one friend – and can repackage your mindless conversation as a podcast.
7. Post a picture on Facebook of you doing the opposite of what everyone else in the office is doing. Like a headstand. (You might need help with the camera).
8. +K someone on Klout who actually deserves it. On Valentines day. #CreepyMuch?
9. Identify 100 business prospects by searching your Twitter feed. Then feel good about yourself for a day before you forget all about it and do something different.
10. Use Skype to meet with a client or colleague on the other side of the world. TIP: have a shower first in case they want to turn the video on! Eww.
11. Unfollow everyone on Twitter and start over, being more picky, like you would with *real* friends.
12. Run a Facebook contest to drive follower growth. Go really big with the prize. It might be scary from an ROI perspective, but it could be a real game changer. As long as you’re getting people to do something for you by entering (such as writing a blog post) then you could even buy someone a house! (Too soon to joke about that?)
13. Attend a Tweetup – and ask a really obnoxious and off-topic question in the Q&A session.
14. Send a personal message to each of your Twitter followers. But only if you’re super unpopular. I think I’d die before I managed to talk to 24,000 people (did that sound smug?).
15. Post a picture of yourself you would otherwise regret, like your fifth grade class picture complete with buck teeth and coke bottle glasses.
16. Start a rumor of your death, sit back and watch the comments roll in.
17. Cyber-stalk your competitors and copy their social media strategies, but make yours better. Unless of course, you;re a leader in your space, in which case you can just watch others do this to you.
18. Try to weed out your real friends from your fake ones by posting a cryptic goodbye message and gauging who seems genuinely concerned.
19. Go viral with video (cos it’s that easy right?). Think Numa Numa or All the Pregnant Ladies. Get creative. Told you it was easy.
20. Check in to a prestigious conference on Foursquare. *Without* attending. Waaaaay more fun.
21. Spend a day attempting to make your name a trending topic on Twitter. Enlist your friends and followers to help. This could go well with the fake death one.
22. Find out what happened to the sparks tab on Google+. Srsly. Try to find it – without Googling it.
23. Instead of thanking everyone who re-tweets your Twitter posts, reciprocate by re-tweeting a valuable post of theirs. They will appreciate it a lot more.
24. Host a Twitter chat to answer your customers’ or prospects’ most burning questions.
25. Actually read the emails you get from all the LinkedIn groups you joined in that moment of enthusiasm (instead of deleting them while you drink your morning coffee).
26. Post a Facebook or Quora question and use it as market research. BTW good luck asking a good question on Quora without getting it rejected.
27. Create a custom Facebook landing page and dare people NOT to like you – just to see what happens. Sort of like that classic “Don’t click me” ad.
28. Post a bizarre image and tag every one of your contacts on Facebook. When they ask what it is, act offended that they don’t already know.
29. Offer Facebook fans an incentive for liking your business page, such as a free product or consultation.
30. Add a signup box for your company newsletter to your Facebook brand page. (That was one of the boring real tips).
31. Tag other pages in posts on your Facebook wall to attract followers.
32. Find a social media management app that meets every business need.
33. Use LinkedIn Answers to establish thought leadership.
34. Start a Quora group. (Do you even know what these are?)
35. Post a Facebook note and track search engine results.
36. Run a Facebook ad campaign to promote your brand page and see how it compares to Google AdWords or LinkedIn ads for your demographic. Then create an awesome infographic to compare the different networks. #LotsaInboundTraffic
37. Use your social media prowess to benefit a charity. If you’re gonna die, you should at least do something nice!
38. Create a Twitter list of all your company employees, so your customers can get a sneak peek at your company culture.
39. Use Twitter trending topics to draw attention to your business (this is harder to do than you think while still staying relevant to your audience).
40. Upload all of your interesting infographics, flow diagrams and other imagery to Pinterest.
41. Add social sharing widgets to your content, including blog posts and static web pages. If you produce a lot of visual content – make sure you add the Pin It button (scroll down to the ““Pin It” Button for Websites” part”.
42. Add one self-serving link per day to each social media platform you utilize.
43. Join Posterous. Why? You ask. No clue really.
44. Use Dlvr.it or Ping.fm to auto-feed new blog posts to dozens of social networks.
45. Let your personality shine through. Drop the business persona and comment on real-world events that are meaningful to you. LolCats work wonders I find. :)
46. Ask your followers to recommend you or your business to at least one new person. Ask and you shall receive. If you do this in a nice way you can see amazing results. Trust me, I’ve never done it.
47. Add a Twitter favourites widget to your website to display tweets you’ve favourited. The key here is to only favourite positive customer comments on Twitter, to produce a stream of positive social proof. Yupi, awesome.
48. Learn to use Pinterest as a business marketing tool. (Note, it’s got a current demographic breakdown of approximately 92% women – so consider that when you add content).
49. Add an empty Google+ circle to create the social media equivalent of a list post. For example, 100 blogs about conversion rate optimization. Then share it on Twitter (cross pollination of networks can help get people more engaged with them).
50. Create a Noob Guide to something (including an infographic and giant blog post in PDF format) and use viral methods to spread it on Twitter (case study here).

– Oli Gardner & Angela Stringfellow

The MR. MEN Guide to Landing Pages, Conversion & Absurd Metaphor [Cartoongraphic]

You'd be happy too if you were a yellow cartoon ball with a smile to rival Julia Roberts. (Images from Ladybird Books)

Landing pages, conversion rate optimization, bounce rate, blah, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada.

As important as all of those terms and concepts are, sometimes you need to step back a bit and look at things in a more playful manner.

Landing Pages Made Simple

I find metaphor can greatly aid the process of communication – although as you’ll infer from the title of this post – my examples can at times be a bit of a stretch. Hopefully, this bunch are clear enough to mean something.

And so, with no further posturing or technical jargon, I present to you – The MR. MEN Guide to Landing Pages, Conversion and Absurd Metaphor.

Read More …

50 Things Every Marketer Should Do Before They Die

Think you’re a rockstar marketer? Let’s find out. Scan the list below and add up your total, multiply it by 2 and add a % at the end – that’s your rockstar score.

Everything that’s left is your marketing bucket list.

In no particular order (how lazy of me) …

Read More …

A/B Test Yourself – Life Experiences You Wish You Could’ve Tested

Have you ever daydreamed about hopping into a souped up DeLorean to travel back in time? Of course you have, and not because you miss your old ripped jeans and Robbie Williams CD collection. No, you really want to go back so you can test out some of those weird decisions you made at crucial life decision points – whether or not to kiss Janie Hutchison at prom, deciding to sell your 1/3rd stake in Apple Computers for $2,300, how many kids to have…

Imagine if life had A/B testing. Imagine facing a tough choice between two paths and being able to do both! It would be a breeze to figure out which one leads to cool adventures and money and sex with Natalie Portman, and which to a NyQuil habit and a job selling generic Viagara over the internet.

Life Experiences You Wish You Could A/B Test

Read More …

Designers vs. Developers – This Could Get Ugly…

Quick post to show an infographic from Wix.com about developers vs. designers. Pretty funny, and bang on with the stereotypes.

Are you a designer or developer?

Designers, shouldn’t you be getting paid the same as developers? Come on, vent!

Have a go at the other guys in the comments.

The 12 Days of Christmas – A Cheesy Landing Page Optimization Lament

What do you want for Christmas? (Photo Credit: ICanHasCheezburger.com)

For the holiday season, I’ve taken a quick stab at re-writing that 12 Days of Christmas ditty. If Christmas ain’t really your thing, then hopefully the lolcat is enough to bring a smile to your face.

Remember to sing along. Preferably after a few egg nog’s or Christmas Ale’s. (It’ll be funnier).

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

• A typo in a CTA

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

• 2 dove turtles – needless to say they didn’t convert because large tortoise-like animals covered in moisturizing soap doesn’t make much sense to anyone.
• and a typo in a CTA

Read More …

16 Pick-Up Lines for Nerdy Online Marketers

Proof that natural selection has its way of helping out even when it comes to love.

Nerds in general are genetically programmed to be genius at some things while not so good at others.

Let’s take flirting as an example: such an arbitrarily random and irrational social behavior – based solely on an instinctive interpretation of body language – is likely to send the geekier amongst us into a mental state somewhat akin to a panic attack or the classic “deer in headlights” syndrome.

Translation: they’re not very good at it.

Read More …

13 Epic Marketing Fails

Learning by example. How not to market your product or service.

I’m going to kick off this week with a look at the world of bad marketing. A few weeks ago I posted an article called Marketing FAIL – 7 Newbie Landing Page Mistakes. Today’s post points the finger at some of the people who clearly didn’t heed those little pearls of marketing wisdom, courtesy of the Fail Blog, one of the funniest sites around.

Even bad press is good press

An adage probably as old as marketing itself. With the viral nature of today’s web, doing something so totally wrong that it’s funny could be construed as a backhanded marketing strategy in itself.

Here is our list of 13 of the bestest marketing blunders.

Read More …